


fight the feeling

by Bluebluebaby



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-02-04 23:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12782400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluebluebaby/pseuds/Bluebluebaby
Summary: Arizona likes having sex with Carina. She can handle *not* having sex with her. But ~falling~ for her? That's not part of plan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DON'T JUDGE ME 
> 
> (real talk i watched grey's religiously from s5-9 and i've kind of bopped back and forth over the years but I'M HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT IT AGAIN. like, daydreaming about these dumb bbs. so, here we are. Shonda is the best <3)

Just for once, Arizona would like the chance to finish her morning coffee in peace, without getting interrupted by a page, or text, or unwelcome Owen Hunt apology. 

 

“Look, Arizona, I didn’t realize Carina was your ex-” 

 

“Honestly, Hunt? The only thing worse than seeing all that is hearing you talk about it now. You and Dr. De Luca are grownups, use protection and have a blast. I’m not a territorial caveman, Jesus.” 

 

She doesn’t even bother waiting for his response. Life is too short to expend emotional labor on the comfort of men. 

 

She doesn’t hate Owen. But she wouldn’t say she  _ likes  _ him either. He’s a good surgeon, and a decent person, but they have nothing in common. 

 

Other than taste in women, apparently. 

 

Arizona is  _ not  _ jealous, though. If anything, she’s annoyed. Annoyed at Carina’s willful misinterpretation of her need for space, annoyed at how quickly Owen is moving on from Amelia (if anyone deserves a rebound fuck, it’s her, honestly), annoyed at how her coffee is now cold. 

 

She has better things to worry about than heterosexual drama, anyhow. Like preserving the miracle of life in the womb. 

_

Arizona has seen Sofia for a grand total of 7 days and 3 hours since she and Callie (and Penny) moved to New York. Having her home is like Christmas, each and every morning. She falls right back into her routine of play dates with Zola and Bailey and Ellis, hanging out at the hospital after school and charming any staff she encounters with her toothy grin and long lashes. 

 

Meredith and Arizona are friendly now, if not yet close. Amelia and Maggie are usually the social lubricant in group settings, but they’ve gotten to the point where it isn’t awkward being alone together. 

 

Zola and Sofia are playing dress up with Ellis, while Bailey attempts to recreate the Space Needle with Legos. Meredith and Arizona stand at the kitchen counter, marveling at how perfect this moment is, considering how awful the last few years have been. 

 

“Do you ever talk to Derek?” 

 

“All the time,” Meredith laughs. “Mostly complaining that he isn’t here to teach his son how to pee IN the toilet.” 

 

“It’s been over ten years, and I still talk to Tim. He always gave me great girl advice.” 

“Yeah, I don’t talk to Derek about boys. Men. I think he probably wishes I would, you know? Stop being a sad sack all of the time?” 

 

“Who needs boys when you have a Harper Avery?” 

 

Meredith nods. 

 

“If you think I’m not sleeping with that thing in my bed… you’re thinking wrong.” 

 

She scrutinizes Arizona for a moment before redirecting. 

 

“Speaking of girls, though, what’s the deal with you and DeLuca?” 

 

“No Deal.” 

 

“Come on, Howie Mandel, you two were practically eye-fucking through the gallery glass.”

 

Arizona shrugs, ambivalent. 

 

“She’s hot, I’m hot, we were hot together, it was fun. But Sofia’s home now and I have no room in my life or my bed for anyone who gets scared off by the fact she will always come first.” 

 

“Turns out? Most men aren’t interested in single mothers of three children. Who’d’ve thunk?” 

 

It’s 2 pm on a Sunday, but Arizona’s feeling celebratory, so she corks open a bottle of wine. 

 

“To babies, who become children, who will someday become adults,” she toasts. 

 

“May we all live to tell the tale.” 

_ 

 

“So, that was the most awkward elevator ride in history,” April whispers. 

 

Arizona shrugs. 

 

“I’ve had worse with Callie. But seriously, Hunt? I don’t get it.” 

 

“I guess he is objectively attractive,” April opines, “But you two aren’t exactly similar types. You’re all smiles and rainbows and he’s all gruff and caveman. Then again, Carina seems like she probably doesn’t get too hung up on having a type.” 

 

Arizona rolls her eyes. 

 

“I admire her seemingly endless enthusiasm for sex, even if it’s not for sex with me. Although she seemed plenty enthusiastic before I scared her off.” 

 

“Yeah, I could do without the details. Thanks.” 

 

“How’s your tinder search going?” 

 

April sighs. 

 

“I think I might be better off taking a vow of celibacy.” 

 

“Hey, you’ll get there! If you want to, that is, there’s nothing wrong with not having sex if you don’t want to have sex!” 

 

“Oh look, patients who need me-” 

 

Before Arizona can needle her further, April is out of earshot, drowning her insecurities in incoming trauma. 

 

_ 

 

“I’ve missed you.” 

 

Carina looks vulnerable, and more than a little scared by her own admission. 

 

“I’ve missed you, too… So, um, aren’t you with Hunt now?” 

 

Arizona spaces out after Carina’s quick insistence that she is not, in fact, ‘with Hunt.’ Her stomach feels all topsy-turvy, like it did when a pretty girl would talk to her in high school. 

 

(Like it did when she kissed Calliope Torres in a dirty bar bathroom.) 

 

But the moment is broken by Jo’s frantic running, the urgency of the day putting a damper on whatever flame was trying to burn between them.  By the time Arizona is home, tucking a half-asleep Sofia into bed, even more grateful than usual that her sweet girl is safe and sound, she has no room in her mind for thoughts of the day. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just some good ol' emotional intimacy 
> 
> (aka lesbian porn)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SHONDA IS NOT FUCKING AROUND WITH 14B i swear she's trying to break my heart in two smh

Carina DeLuca prides herself on her spontaneity. Life’s biggest pleasures hinge on improvisation after all-  cooking, music, sex. Change is inevitable; it might as well be embraced. 

 

She liked Arizona.  _ Likes  _ her. Even if their primary method of interaction has changed to skew more ‘professional.’ She likes her shiny confidence, and she likes how easy it is to make it falter. Arizona is kind, and intelligent, and strikingly beautiful. 

 

Owen is… convenient. An opportunity who crossed her path at the right time and place; and she his. It’s the sort of sex where pleasure is secondary to distraction- each partner reassuring themselves that they are still, in fact desirable, and worthy of a good fuck. Carina doesn’t like sleeping alone, not in this strange rainy city where no one understands her and the coffee is barely drinkable, so Owen’s bed it is. 

 

She has to laugh, though, at his repeated insistence that “ _ it’s just for fun, _ ” as if there were ever any danger of her falling in love with him. Owen is handsome, and generous (for a man), but she can already feel a cloud of boredom creeping in. 

 

Maybe that’s why she seeks out Arizona’s assistance (other than her apparent total ineptitude with direct patient care)- she craves that spark that makes her try harder, be better. 

 

There’s a comfort to Arizona, to the sincerity in her reassurances to these new mothers that everything will, in fact be alright. (And Carina can’t pretend like she isn’t turned on by the sudden no-nonsense drill sergeant appearance at the end of the labor…) 

 

She’s about to suggest that they start over, go out again, when Jo comes scrambling through the doors like the end of the world is coming (and it may well be). 

 

Suddenly, it’s all hands on deck, no hands in pants. 

_ 

 

Carina doesn’t especially believe in fate, but today, the universe is conspiring against her. Just as she is about to convince Arizona of the superiority of  _ established chemistry  _ to randoms on the internet, *boom* the intern is exploding the blood bank. 

 

Just as she is seducing her with tales of exotic travel- a mother is having complications.

 

At least Dr. Webber makes her feel useful. If she can make one more person comfortable with their sexuality, the day is not a complete waste. 

_ 

 

When she finally finds Arizona at the end of the day (or is it tomorrow? She’s lost track, honestly), the other woman barely notices her presence. She looks… defeated. 

 

“Arizona?” 

 

It takes her a moment to turn around. 

 

“Oh. Sorry, I’m just getting ready to go home- I can’t really bring myself to move, though.” 

 

“You lost a patient?” 

 

Arizona nods, blinking back tears. 

 

“I just… It’s hard to go home to my own daughter when there’s a baby in this hospital who will grow up without a mother.” 

 

“You did everything you could.” 

 

Arizona sighs, blue eyes suddenly steely. 

 

“Look, I know you’ve been trying to get back into bed with me all day, but unless you just want to hold me while I sob uncontrollably, it’s not happening.” 

 

Carina shrugs. 

 

“Okay.” 

 

“Excuse me?” 

 

“If you want, after you put Sofia to bed and have the time with her that you want, I can come ‘hold you while you sob uncontrollably.’” 

 

Arizona squints. 

 

“You’re being serious.” 

 

“Why wouldn’t I be? You honestly think I don’t care about you?” 

 

Arizona pouts. 

 

“I think that most people find crying unattractive, particularly in casual partners.”

 

“Well, lucky for you, I admire vulnerability. It’s one of the reasons I generally prefer women to men.” 

 

“You know, that might be the gayest sentence I’ve ever heard. Alright, fuck it, okay. Be there at 9:30.” 

_

 

Arizona is more right than she realizes- Carina’s offer is out-of-the-ordinary for her. Her normal offer would be of ‘distraction,’ but, that just seems  _ rude  _ at the moment. Sex doesn’t make her nervous, but the prospect of emotional intimacy is a little terrifying. 

 

Arizona answers the door in old sweats, her face free of makeup and blotchy from crying. 

 

“You got a head start without me?” 

 

“You’re too pretty to be funny,” she deadpans. 

 

Carina shrugs, offering a bottle of Chianti. 

 

“I don’t know if you mourn like Italians do, but I thought I would bring this just in case.” 

 

“I think we should save that for an occasion in which my taste buds aren’t obliterated. Good wine deserves more than tears to pair with.” 

 

“You make a good point.”

 

Carina wraps her arms around herself, unaccustomed to this air of awkwardness. 

 

“So… bed or couch?” 

 

Arizona’s laugh at her exaggerated wink makes the gambit worthy. 

 

“Netflix is already going in the living room, and Sophia’s much less likely to hear us down here.” 

 

Carina relaxes into the sofa, stretching an arm and indicating for Arizona to join her. 

 

“Come here.” 

 

It takes a moment for them to find the way to make their bodies meet (such is the challenge of being only semi-horizontal), but once she is comfortable, Arizona buries her face in Carina’s shoulder, breathing deeply and letting herself be held. 

 

“I’ve got you,” Carina whispers, rubbing circles on Arizona’s back as she cries. 

 

The sobs are silent, but she can feel them wracking her body, feel the wetness of the tears soaking into her shirt. 

 

Carina finds a bit of stillness in the moment, in providing this embrace without any way to ‘fix it’ or change the intolerable. 

 

Eventually, the body on top of her stills, the breathing deepens, and Carina finds that an exhausted Arizona has fully fallen asleep on her. 

 

She fashions a makeshift bed on the couch (the risk of waking Sofia and explaining the situation isn’t worth the benefit of a mattress), and tucks Arizona in, placing a gentle kiss to her forehead. 

 

“ _ Sogni d'oro _ .”

 

She leaves a note explaining herself, along with a glass of water and a few tissues. 

 

It is a cold and dark journey to her apartment, but Carina feels less lonely than she has since her arrival here. Tonight, she can sleep well alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, i don't know what i'm doing except for trying to give a little more depth than the 30 seconds we see on screen. thanks for reading tho! luv u mean it <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> references to S14 E12. and then just smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> carina deluca would want me to write her as smuttily as possible. i'm only writing in character.

 

Arizona hasn’t felt this despondent since she lost her leg. 

 

She manages to wake up every morning and get Sofia on the bus to school, then it’s mindless TV and junk food binges (and the odd crying jag) for 7 hours. 

 

She ignores her texts, sleeps in the middle of the day, and locks her bedroom door when Sofia gets home so that all evidence of her messy grief is hidden. 

 

If she weren’t a stereotypical Type A surgeon, she’d probably find an excuse to skip out on her consult, but, obligations are obligations. 

 

She knows Carina’s concern is genuine, but it still feels like shit to admit why she’s been AWOL, when everyone else is so fucking  _ motivated.  _

 

But Carina’s admission- that she’s never lost a patient- it ignites this competitive, furious, obsessive spark in Arizona. There’s no way Carina is just  _ that good.  _ Certainly not that much better than she is. She’s a  _ rock star,  _ and mothers still die on her watch, and a quick google search shows that the problem is a lot bigger than her. 

 

The statistics are harrowing. While the rest of the world advances, the United States’ maternal mortality rate is rising, at an especially alarming rate for black mothers. The lack of access for rural prenatal care is abysmal, but even in a large city like Seattle, patients are still dying more than they do in Rome. 

 

Maybe she’s too late to get funding, but Kepner needs to hear this. Not to shame her, but to spur them all into action. 

_

 

Arizona’s newfound purposefulness hasn’t eliminated her grief and shame, but it makes it easier to keep moving forward. This time, she searches out Carina. 

 

And for the first time in a very long while, she kisses a woman in Joe’s Bar. 

 

Before tonight, kissing Carina has been all play, no work. It’s flirtatious, and clever, and entirely un-serious. 

 

But the way Carina returns her kiss is  _ desperate.  _ Like she’s been poisoned and Arizona’s tongue is the antidote. 

 

(Okay, that’s a bit of a sloppy metaphor. She’s sort of knocked off balance by this whole “Passionate Makeout Like We’re On the Fucking Titanic” thing.) 

 

“You know, Owen saw all of that,” Arizona whispers, glancing at the visibly uncomfortable man. 

 

“Good. This way I don’t have to have ‘the talk’ with him.” 

 

Carina punctuates her statement with a brief peck to Arizona’s jaw. 

 

“The talk? I thought you said he was the one who kept insisting it was all ‘just fun.’” 

 

“Not the ‘don’t fall in love with me’ talk, the ‘if I’m going to have to make myself come I might as well just stay home with a vibrator’ talk.” 

 

Arizona grimaces. 

 

“That’s more than I need to know about Hunt.” 

 

Carina shrugs, running her finger around the rim of her glass. 

 

“Men are so fragile. All ego. It’s so much effort to train them. Rarely worth it.” 

 

“I wouldn’t know.” 

 

Carina raises a brow. 

 

“You’ve never been with a man? At all?” 

 

Arizona laughs. 

 

“I somehow managed to escape the clutches of compulsory heterosexuality unscathed.” 

 

“Compulsory Heterosexuality…” Carina rolls the words around on her tongue, lilting over the R’s. “It’s interesting how much desire is codified by culture. The things we are told we should want don’t always match up with what we actually want, do they?” 

 

Arizona hums into her glass, contemplating how many “shoulds” have shaped her own life. 

 

But before she can analyze her past decisions, Dr. Webber rushes into the bar, and they’re celebrating. 

_

 

Arizona promised the sitter she’d be home by 9, which leaves exactly… 5 minutes until she needs to leave the parking lot. 

 

“I can’t believe I’m making out in a back seat. I haven’t done that in 20 years.” 

 

Carina lifts her head, brushing her hair out of her eyes so she can properly glare. 

 

“Might I remind you that this predicament is entirely  _ your _ fault.”

 

“Might I remind you that you knew full and well that I had the world’s most precocious 2nd grader at home before you decided tonight was the night you wanted to get back together.” 

 

Carina rolls her eyes. 

 

“I must really like you, then.” 

 

(She manages to more than adequately demonstrate her fondness in their remaining three minutes together. Arizona has never been so worked up with all of her clothes still on.) 

  
  


“Fuck. I really do have to go. I promised I would read chapter 2 of Harry Potter tonight.”

 

Carina sighs, straightening her shirt, but she looks much less exasperated than Arizona would have expected. 

 

“I won’t keep you. But if you’re still awake after Sofia goes to bed… I’ll have my phone on.” 

 

She saunters back to the bar, and Arizona takes a moment to watch her walk away. 

_

 

It turns out the Dursleys are remarkably useful for putting rambunctious 7-year-olds right to sleep. Arizona settles into her own bed, contemplating her phone screen before opening up her messages. 

 

_ I had a really great time tonight. We make a good team ;) _

 

**_Grazie! I have missed you. I forgot how good you smelled?_ **

 

_ Ah, there’s that famous charm.  _

 

**_It is much sexier when I say it in Italian._ **

 

_ Questo  _ _ è  _ _ vero _

 

**_Sono impressionata!_ **

 

_ You are a much better teacher than duolingo.  _

 

**_For the important things, s_ ** **_ì. I should hope that little owl is not telling you how to ask it to fuck you harder._ **

 

_ I grew up playing cello. ‘più forte’ has an entirely different meaning.  _

 

**_Mmmmm I like the sounds you make for me._ **

 

_ Do you now?  _

 

Arizona feels silly, grinning to herself in her dark. But she also feels more than a little frustrated from their abrupt parting earlier, and well, Carina does have a way with words, when she wants to. 

 

**_I like how you moan when I bite your neck ._ **

 

_ I swear to god i thought i was going to come from that alone earlier. Jesus.  _

 

**_I like how you shudder when i put my mouth on you._ **

 

_ Dfkls;lfdjsl;aksdflsjk;fldjks  _

 

_ I can feel you smirking all the way over here. Sadist.  _

 

**_Hardly. Although, I do enjoy making you wait. Teasing you until you’re so close you can’t take anymore._ **

 

_ Like now?  _

 

**_My favorite sound? The way you cry out when you come, when you arch your back and tighten around my fingers. That is better than any song to ever exist._ **

 

_ Fuck you.  _

 

**_If only._ **

 

_ You’re telling me. I swear if this innocent child were not sleeping peacefully down the hall I would demand that you get on top of me. Immediately.  _

 

**_I am glad to see you are finally embracing your submissive side._ **

 

_ Did you miss the “demand” part?  _

 

**_I don’t mind a bossy bottom._ **

 

_ Good. Because you owe me an orgasm.  _

 

**_Do not fret, Arizona. I always repay my debts. With interests._ **

**_sogni d'oro ;)_ **

 

_ Sex dreams, more like.  _

 

**_I am in your head. I like that._ **

 

_ I’d rather you were in my bed.  _

 

**_You name the time. I think your bed has maybe missed me, too._ **

 

_ You’re lucky you’re beautiful, and intelligent, and very very knowledgeable of the female body.  _

 

**_You are also lucky that I am all of those things._ **

 

Arizona  _ really  _ can’t argue that point. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be putting plenty of feelings in here as we go along, but yeah, it's probably only gonna get smuttier from here. (that's why you started reading in the first place, let's be real.)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light on smut, heavy on feelings ;) (follows show timeline thru s14ep14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the news that Arizona is being written off the show this season- I aim to keep this canon-compliant for now, but depending on just how zany her send-off is, that might change...

It’s amazing how much more flexible Arizona becomes with her schedule after that. Carina finds that she’s making up for lost time (however little), trying to give all the orgasms she didn’t when they were apart. 

 

“Stop, stop,” Arizona wheezes, tugging on Carina’s hair, pulling her up from her position at the foot of the on-call bed.

 

“If I come again I might actually die.”

 

“Only one way to find out…” 

 

“Are you threatening me?” She sits up, suddenly incredulous. 

 

“Of course not! You aren’t of any use to me if you are dead. I was merely suggesting a data gathering expedition.” 

 

“That’s it, mood’s gone,” Arizona sighs, extricating herself from the sheets. 

 

Carina stretches, relishing the cool breeze of the air conditioning on her bare skin. 

 

“It’s a shame I have surgery in half an hour, or I might just use you as an experiment…” 

 

Arizona bites her lip to punctuate her observation. 

 

“Why don’t you… mindrain and send me a list for later?” 

 

“Brainstorm,” Arizona absentmindedly corrects. 

 

“Si, ‘brainstorm.’ I wonder if when the english language coined this idiom they knew that thoughts were conveyed by electrical impulses?” 

 

Arizona kisses her forehead and shrugs a clean scrub top over her head. 

 

“I like the way your mind works. And the way your body works. Y _ ou _ work very well, Dr. DeLuca.” 

 

“Go, go, save the unborn children,” Carina waves her off, blushing slightly at the compliment. 

 

That’s new. Since when does  _ she  _ get flustered? 

 

_

 

The sterility of numerical data is a welcome contrast to Carina’s unexpected emotions. She feels much more comfortable with facts and figures than she does with her own thoughts at the moment. 

 

She and Arizona work well together- there’s an effortlessness to their communication, language barrier be damned. It doesn’t hurt that the patterns here are obvious- unnecessary surgeries, unnecessary complications, sometimes leading to unnecessary deaths. 

 

Carina doesn’t have the same ease with Arizona’s colleague, who seems defensive from the get-go. 

 

She succumbs to the Robbins charm, though. 

 

Between the research, and fretting over Andrea’s concussion, Carina’s earlier thoughts fly out the window. 

 

She and Arizona have made no commitments to one another, beyond this professional obligation. There have been no intentions stated, no worldviews shifted, no reason for a slow panic to creep in beneath her calm facade. 

 

It will pass, surely? 

_ 

 

Carina is grateful that they skip game night for 2 reasons. 

 

  1. She is not the butt of anyone’s joke. Arizona may laugh at her mistranslations, but she doesn’t laugh at _her._  (And besides, Carina has plentiful opportunities to troll her in Italian.) 
  2. Arizona would most likely be wearing clothes during the evening’s festivities, and right now she is blessedly naked. 



 

“This is so much better than pictionary.” 

 

“Or Monopoly.” 

 

“Hell, I’d rank it above Apples to Apples.” 

 

“I don’t know what that is, but you are correct.” 

 

Arizona leans back onto her pillow, relaxed and glowing. 

 

“Tell me something you miss about Italy.” 

 

“Where to start? I miss the food, of course, and decent espresso, but I think what I miss the most is feeling understood. There is a particular loneliness to not being able to freely speak your mother tongue.”

 

“Wow. I’m sorry. For not trying harder- I guess I really am that lazy american stereotype, huh?”

 

Carina snorts. 

 

“I would hardly expect you to learn another language for me. That is asking a lot.” 

 

Arizona shrugs. 

 

“It wouldn’t be just for you… maybe I have tourist plans of my own. Or I’m going to get really into cooking.” 

 

“I think you just want to understand my dirty talk better.” 

 

“Guilty,” Arizona grins, all dimples. 

 

“I moved around a lot as a kid, but we were always surrounded by other military families. Even in Germany, I was never the only American.” 

 

“You didn’t mention that before,” Carina observes. 

 

“We haven’t really talked that much, have we? I mean, beyond work, and sex, and on occasion, food.” 

 

“Some things are easier to translate than others.” 

 

“I think,” Arizona declares, entwining her fingers with Carina’s, “I would like to get to know you better.” 

_ 

 

Andrea’s recovery is perfectly speedy, and without incident, but Carina still can’t help but wonder if the knock to his head changed something about him. 

 

“You look too happy. What is wrong?”

 

“You think my happiness is bad?”

 

“I think that either you’ve suffered a brain injury, or you got back together with Samantha. Fortunately, Dr. Shepherd is very good at repairing neurological ailments.” 

 

“Ha ha. Save your breath. I’m  _ happy  _ because Sam and I finally stopped dancing around our actual feelings and admitted we’re in love. Always have been.” 

 

“Idiot.” 

 

His eyes turn dark. 

 

“You’re in no position to judge, Miss ‘the minute any relationship looks anything like serious I run as far away as possible!’” 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

 

“Carmine- Sicily to London. Elodie- Paris to Toronto. You ought to be gone from here by summer, the way things with Dr. Robbins are going.” 

 

Carina is too angry to speak. All she can hear is the blood pounding in her ears, all she can see is the memories of her own cowardice. 

 

“Love has made you  _ so kind,  _ Andrea. I’m happy for you,  _ truly.”  _

 

Arizona walks into the hospital room, charts in hand, not looking up to register the tension in the room. 

 

“So, the data from the rural south is  _ especially  _ concerning. What do you think about these numbers, Carina?” 

 

She waits a moment for a response that doesn’t come then tries again. 

 

“Is everything okay in here?” 

 

“I’ll look at it later, Arizona. I have to go.” 

 

Carina walks out of the hospital, down the damp cold streets of this unwelcoming city, until her legs are sore and her lungs are burning and she has no idea where she is. 

 

_ Perduto.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> your idea of where this is going is as good as mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol remember when this show had coherent character arcs

Arizona gives Carina her space, after Andrew makes it clear that he pissed her off. It makes her nostalgic for the fights she and Tim used to have, over the last slice of pizza, and the best Star Wars Character (Leia,  _ obviously _ ), and the right way to follow one’s heart. 

 

“I just don’t think it makes you happy,” he’d sighed, when she alluded to her hookups around the hospital. 

 

She wonders if he’d laugh at the irony of how settling down ended up working out. 

 

Tonight, for Sofia’s bedtime story, she tells memories of Tim, of the  _ Robbins Siblings Escapades _ , featuring a particularly rousing rendition of “The Mysterious Case of the Lost Kitten.” 

 

_

 

“You should come over tonight. Sofia’s having a sleepover with Meredith’s kids.” 

 

“Oh?” 

 

“I mean, unless you have other plans. But, the absence of a second grader in my house does mean that loudness is not an issue. If that sways your decision. Which I hope it would.” 

 

Carina pauses for a moment of rumination before visibly relaxing. 

 

“I would like that very much.” 

 

_

 

“Did you hear about Karev’s heart case? Young love, huh?” 

 

Arizona has a tendency to get chatty in the afterglow. Well, she’s kind of a chatty person baseline, or at least was before the plane crash and everything after, and now, now she’s almost back to where she was, except still so very different, but, chatty. 

 

“Hmmmmmmphhhh.” 

 

Carina stretches her toes, draping her leg across Arizona and nuzzling into her neck. 

 

“I did not think you were faking before, but now I suspect I did not actually make you come.” 

 

“Ohhhhh, noooooo, you d _ efinitely _ did,” she reassures, “I’m just. Thinking about the differences between being an adult and a teenager. I don’t know- I think young me would never believe half of the things I’ve done. And I was a pretty optimistic kid.” 

 

“Why don’t you tell me about your first love while I wake back up,” Carina kisses her shoulder, “And _ then _ , we can go for round two.” 

 

“Joanne. She was the TA to my Chemistry lab. And I had had crushes before, I knew who I was, but I had never been so  _ nervous  _ just by looking at someone. But Tim dared me to give her my number on the last day of class, and she called me. Turned out I hadn’t been the only one stealing glances.” 

 

“How long did you date?” 

 

“6 months. But of course, I thought it would be forever. She graduated, went to do her PhD and let me down gently. She’s a professor at Stanford now- I always did have excellent taste.” 

 

“My first love was a blonde american,” Carina sighs. “I think you would call him ‘preppy?’ I was actually very shy as a teenager, so it was kind of nice that we didn’t speak the same language. We met at the beach, in Sardinia, on holiday. 2 weeks. We never tried to stay in touch or anything, but that next year, whenever I was lonely at school I would think about his smile, and it would get me through the day.” 

 

“When did you know you were into women, too?” 

 

Carina laughs. 

 

“When I left my fiance at the altar.” 

 

“I think you’ve buried the lede there.” 

 

“I mean, I had been attracted to women before, but at the age of 22 had never acted on it. Italy is more conservative about those things than I think you Americans realize. We are literally neighbors with the Pope. And my family… it wasn’t an option. But I kept getting closer and closer to the ceremony and I kept thinking that if I got married, that was the end, I would never know what it would be like. So I just left. The country, the man, the wedding. And  _ then  _ I discovered the true power of the female orgasm.” 

 

Arizona nods. 

 

“Straight women are  _ so  _ easy to impress. I honestly don’t know how men are so bad at sex, other than patriarchy and selfishness.” 

 

“They think as long as they finish it’s good. There are certainly some who managed to figure it out, but probably only because a woman trained them how to pay attention.” 

 

“Do you think we could maybe  _ not  _ talk about men anymore? Seeing as we’re still naked, and I believe you promised a second go earlier…” 

 

“I can manage that,” Carina whispers in her ear, and it doesn’t take Arizona long to forget about men at all. 

_

 

Arizona wakes to the clanging of pots and the smell of coffee. 

 

“Espresso. Try not to ruin it with too much milk and sugar.” 

 

“I didn’t know I even had the supplies to make espresso? Hell, I barely even make coffee here most days.” 

 

“You are a very sound sleeper.” 

 

“It would appear so.” 

 

She can’t complain about Carina running errands on her behalf, though, when she bites into the fluffy Belgian waffle. 

 

“Oh god, I know women of my age are supposed to avoid simple carbs like the plague, but these are fucking fantastic.” 

 

“Ugh, americans and your puritanicalism. I like women with appetite. What good is a hunger that will not be satiated?” 

 

She makes a good point. 

 

“Do you have plans for the day? I need to pick up Sof eventually, but other than that, it’s wide open.” 

 

Carina shrugs. 

 

“Nothing that can’t be moved, but I know you’ll want quality time with your daughter. I’ve got lots of reading to catch up on.” 

 

“Would you like to meet her? Not today,” Arizona is quick to correct at Carina’s horrified expression, “But well, if we’re going to keep seeing one another it might be easier on all involved parties if we’re not sneaking around in the middle of the night.” 

 

“Does that mean you want to be exclusive?” 

 

Carina’s face is hard to read. It could be cautiously hopeful, or slightly dismayed. No turning back now, though. 

 

“Yeah, I think it does. I’m not interested in dating anyone else right now. But I understand if your priorities are different.” 

 

“I think that usually… I would say that expectations of monogamy are unrealistic, and come more from outward societal pressures than innate desires. But I haven’t wanted anyone but you for several months, if I’m honest with myself.” 

 

“You know how to flatter a gal, Dr. DeLuca.” 

 

“It’s not flattery when it’s the truth, Dr. Robbins.” 

 

(The waffles get cold. Arizona doesn’t mind. )

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll keep this canon-compliant as much as i can, but considering we haven't seen carina in weeks i'm flying a little blind ;)

**Author's Note:**

> does anyone even read grey's fic anymore? will the calzona stans attack me? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.


End file.
